Bipolar is Beautiful

I am coping, though not very well if truth be told.  I slept for shit last night, am eating everything in sight, and can’t forsee being able to quit smoking.  I alternate between thinking about how much I miss the boyfriend and how easy it would be to kill myself.

I know this shouldn’t be a big deal – people travel for work all the time.  I’m just not used to it and it’s freaking me out.  He called me several times yesterday and sent me picture messages on his phone.  I’m supposed to be doing the same for him – cool things he said – so I did a few yesterday.  It’s a poor substitute for being there though.

Why does love have to be so fucking painful?  I mean seriously, what’s up with that?

Part of me is really afraid of him finding someone else while he’s gone.  Silly, I know, but I’m just paranoid like that.  I’m actually more afraid (I think) of him starting to drink again.  He’s already told me that several of the guys he’s with are drinkers and I just don’t want him falling back on old habits.  He’s been so much more enjoyable to be around since he sobered up.

I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do with myself while he’s gone.  I know I’m going to try the weight loss thing, and try to quit smoking (HA!), but I guess maybe I’ll try to see about doing some serious writing and work on some more beading stuff.  Maybe I can get a jump start on Christmas projects (HA!).  I do have a friend with a birthday coming up that I need to do something for.  Hmm… ideas, thoughts, possibilities.  Maybe I’ll go shopping at lunch today…

I had a pretty good talk with my therapist yesterday.  He said that the boyfriend’s diagnosis is a difficult one to live with – equal to mine.  He said, too, that most of his patients with that disease are very disconnected and have a hard time making meaningful connections in their relationships.  I don’t really see that in the boyfriend, but it’s definitely something to keep an eye out for.

I think maybe I’ll try to work on some new poetry…  beats what I’m supposed to be doing, which is working!

I dropped the boyfriend off this morning so he could leave for his trip.  I almost think that was harder than leaving him at the hospital.  He’ll be gone for at least 4 weeks, quite possibly 6.  When I left him I peeled out of the parking lot and then drove 60mph the whole way to work.  When I’m pissed I do that – drive way too fast and reckless.

Why was I pissed?  I got no hug this morning, very few kisses, and then a lame ass phone call telling me I shouldn’t have driven off like I did.  I know that he’s scared and hurting, too, but it just upsets me.  I haven’t cried yet today, but I know it’s right there below the surface.  (just writing that started the water works – doesn’t help that I was listening to a sappy love song – I have since switched to Bowling for Soup cranked up LOUD)

I’m looking at the pink butterfly he made me while he was in the hospital; it’s hanging at my desk.  It’s probably the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me.

I stopped taking my meds for two days and he finally noticed.  I don’t think anyone else would have, but he can see right through me.  I have since had to promise to take them faithfully every day.  I’m debating whether this is a promise I will/can keep.  Ever since the OD I have a hard time swallowing pills.  And I absolutely cannot drink the tea I took them with – it makes me gag.

Fortunately I see my therapist today, so I’m hoping that will help.  I’m finding myself falling back into the extreme apathy I had a few weeks back.  I don’t want to eat, just want to sleep, no ambition at all.  This sucks.

The jewelry thing went pretty well.  I took in $200 so I think I actually made a little profit.  Some of the pieces I was sure would sell didn’t, and some of the stuff I didn’t think was all that great did.  No way to really tell what’s going to appeal to people I guess.  A lot of people did take my card so I guess it’s possible that I’ll get some custom orders from that.  Who knows.

I think I’ve come to the realization that I am well and truly fucked in the head.  All I could think about, most of the weekend, was how I was going to be while he’s gone.  I didn’t really take into consideration how hard this is going to be on him.  I’m so self-centered sometimes.  But I did make him a care package to take with and yesterday wrote him a really nice letter that I left on his laptop.  I don’t know, I guess I’m just more broken than I thought.

Any suggestions for how to keep busy while he’s gone?  I’m done making jewelry for awhile.  I don’t know that I could concentrate to read.  I guess maybe I’ll try to quit smoking finally and start walking on the treadmill at my folks’ house.  Maybe I can lose some weight while he’s gone and get myself into some kind of shape that isn’t just “round.”  I sure as hell don’t feel like eating, and probably won’t eat for awhile.  Not exactly a hunger strike, but something like that I guess.

I really should just throw myself into my work, but having had only 3 hours of sleep – I had to have him to work by 6am today – I don’t know that I can do it.  Luckily since I have the therapy appt today I’ll be able to leave at 3:15 this afternoon.  And I’ve got a ton of music to listen to.  I don’t know, I just think I’m going to be a wreck for a few days.

Maybe I’ll try looking into this BPD thing some more and see if I can’t figure out some ways to get it better under control.  I know that that’s what’s causing the whole self-centered thing.  And I know I’m going to do some more rapid cycling with my bipolar the next week or so.  Having not had my meds for a few days will do that, as will all the extra stress.  Wish me luck I guess.

On a total side note, I found a really cool new application for my computer called Fences.  It lets you organize your desktop in these little window things so that it’s not so cluttered.  Not that mine was really cluttered anyway – having dual monitors helps that tremendously – but it really appeals to my organized side.  I am nothing if not organized.  My boss calls it “concrete sequential” which is a good thing most of the time, especially since she’s “abstract random” which most of the time means she’s very disorganized and goes off on these weird tangents.  Anyway, the Fences thing is free and quite worthwhile if you’re the organized type.

Guess I should wrap this up and get my ass into gear for the work day.  My office is actually a mess for a change and it’s driving me nuts.

Things with the boyfriend have been going pretty well.  He’s still at the job even though he says he hates it and wants to quit every day.  It’s been a rough week because of that, and because the weather here hasn’t been exactly what you’d call cooperative and he’s working outside.  At any rate, he’s still at it and is still preparing to leave for his trip on Monday.

I’m having some real issues with this trip.  It makes me nearly physically ill to just think about it, and he admitted to the same this morning.  I’m trying very hard not to think about it – trying to throw myself into my work and into my jewelry making.  I’ve got a show tomorrow morning that I am so not ready for.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get off work a little early today and then skip my support group meeting to have even more time to get stuff done.  I feel really shitty about that as I know I’ll be leaving my one friend to run the meeting solo, but I have got to get myself ready for tomorrow.

I’ve intentionally skipped 2 doses of my medication now.  It’s kind of selfish really – I’m trying to see how long it takes before anyone notices.  Silly of me, yes, but then I’ve never admitted to being anything but what I am, which is broken.  I’m still having trouble with my moods, which I’m sure this isn’t going to help, and I’m still smoking which I know isn’t good for me, but still I stumble along.  The moods haven’t been too bad, just kind of unhappy lately – but I think I’ve got every right to be, all things considered.  I’ll go see my therapist on Monday afternoon which will hopefully help some.  Still, there’s only so much talk therapy can help.

I think that right now my bipolar is pretty well under control.  Now the BPD could be a whole other story.  I think that’s what’s been causing me to be a little impetuous and snippy lately.  I know – thanks to the vampires at the hospital – that my blood levels are in good shape; I’m just a little low on vitamin D.  I’m trying to compensate for that by starting a multi-vitamin and spending more time outside in the sun.  It’s a good excuse to take a smoke break.

Right now I’m listening to a compilation of music I put together for the boyfriend to take with him.  It’s about enough to make me cry.  Here’s the playlist:

• I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith
• Have I Told You Lately – Van Morrison
• Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
• Have You Seen My Love? – Barenaked Ladies
• I Love You – Barenaked Ladies
• All I Want is You – Barry Louis Polisar
• When I Fall in Love – Celine Dion, Clive Griffin
• Angel – Sarah McLachlan
• My Heart Will Go On – Countdown Orchestra & Singers
• Just the Way You Are – Billy Joel
• The Longest Time – Billy Joel
• I Will Find You – Clannad
• Runaway – The Corrs
• Breakfast After Ten – Blue October
• Remember Me – Journey
• Where to Begin – Bowling for Soup
• Sea of Love – Cat Power
• More than a Feeling – Boston
• Maybe I’m Amazed – Paul McCartney
• Every Breath You Take – The Police
• Somebody to Love – Jefferson Airplane
• Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton
• All You Need is Love – The Beatles
• For Your Love – Yardbirds
• Come Sail Away – Styx
• Crazy Little Thing Called Love – Queen
• Love Her Madly – The Doors
• Some Kind of Wonderful – Grand Funk Railroad
• Got My Mind Set on You – George Harrison
• Here Comes the Sun – The Beatles
• Give a Little Bit – Supertramp
• Fat Bottomed Girls – Queen
• In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel
• Baby, I Love Your Way – Peter Frampton
• Gimme All Your Lovin’ – ZZ Top
• I’m Yours – Jason Mraz
• Lucky – Jason Mraz, Colbie Caillat
• Unsingable Name – Mike Doughty
• Accidentally in Love – Counting Crows
• A Kiss to Build a Dream On – Louis Armstrong
• Crystal Ball – Pink
• Glitter in the Air – Pink
• I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) – The Proclaimers
• Then I Met You – The Proclaimers

I’ve since thought of a few more songs I’d like to add, but I doubt I’ll have the time.  Even if he doesn’t like all of them (our taste in music is not quite the same) he’ll know that I put some serious thought into gathering these all together for him.  They’re some of my favorite love songs, or at least sort of love songs, and hopefully it’ll make him think of me.

I found a new favorite quote today -

A life lived in chaos is an impossibility… – Madeleine L’Engle

Says a lot with a very few words, no?

I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately; what it really means, what it really feels like.  I’ve basically come to realize that for most of my life I’ve been in love with the idea of being in love.  Even with my second husband – who I was with for 10 years – I don’t know that I ever REALLY loved him.  I liked him a whole helluva lot, I cared about him a great deal (still do), but I’m just not sure I ever really felt for him the kinds of things I’m feeling now for the boyfriend.  When the ex had an accident and was laid up for nearly 3 months I took care of him every day in every way that I could and I didn’t once complain about it.  But deep down I resented him for being so weak and incapable of taking care of himself.  Now I can’t speak for him, but I’m guessing he felt about the same when I got diagnosed and basically had to be cared for like a child for a good 6 months while I “recovered.”  So did we really love each other or were we just good friends who were compatible enough to live together for 11 years?

I realized this last week that I actually enjoy taking care of the boyfriend (when he’s not drunk).  I don’t mind picking up after him, cooking for him, rubbing his back or legs when he gets home from a hard day of work.  I don’t mind that he’s living in what amounts to an unfurnished apartment because I took everything when I left, and so I’ve been living like that for the last week.  I don’t mind that he’s got issues like mine, that he’s broken, too.  I truly believe that I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before.  I just wish I’d been able to come to this realization before I moved out.

written for a dear friend, you know who you are…

for all of the songs we’ll never sing together
for all the longing looks we’ll never share
for all of the hugs we’ll never exchange
for all the kisses I’ll never be able to give you
for all of the other sweet and tender things
we’ll never experience together
for all of this and more, i’m yours
if only
in my dreams
in my heart

The boyfriend is out of the hospital and back home after spending 3 nights and 3 days in treatment.  He’s doing really quite well and so far has not had any issues.  He did get re-diagnosed, but is still on the same meds so I don’t know what good that did.  I need to do some research yet and see if there’s anything we should be doing at home to help him.

Home is taking on new meaning for me these days.  You see, the boyfriend started his job – here in town – yesterday, so I’ve been staying with him since Thursday night when he left the hospital and will be there until this coming Sunday night so I can take him to work in the mornings.  It’s bittersweet really.  Had he been even half as attentive then as he is now – and as sober – I don’t think I ever would have moved out.  Part of me is really pissed that I let my family and friends talk me into moving out in the first place.  Too late now.

He wants me to move back in as soon as he gets back from being out of state.  I’m going to try my damnedest to do just that.  I didn’t realize just how much I miss being with him until just last night.  When we came home from work he was just exhausted – this is a physically demanding job – and I offered him a back rub.  (little back story here – I’m having some rough “female issues” right now so have been feeling like death warmed over since Sunday night)  He said I didn’t have to since I wasn’t feeling well myself and he didn’t want to seem too needy.  Now, the “old” boyfriend would never have been so considerate of my feelings – so I gave him a good back rub anyway just to show that I love him.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it with him gone so long.  I know he needs to do it – it’s a great opportunity and it’ll be a good test of how well he can manage his diseases on his own.  But good lord am I going to miss him.  Today I put together a care package for him – a card for each week he’ll be gone, 2 cards for his birthday, some empty envelopes with address labels made out with my current address and stamps for them so that he can write to me if he feels like it.  I know he’s going to take his laptop with him and hopefully will have email access, but I don’t want to count on just that.

I think I’m going to go and be sick now – every time I’ve cracked my neck today I’ve felt like throwing up.

I went to see the boyfriend in the hospital last night.  Boy was that weird.  Being up there as a visitor is so different than being an inmate.  And I realized just how tough it must have been on my family and friends every time I was in.  What a horrible thing go through, for everyone involved.  I will strive to NEVER again put them through that kind of hell.

So anyway, we had a visit and it pretty well sucked.  All he did was bitch and then he asked me to leave a full 45 minutes before visiting hours were over because he wanted to watch television.  What a jackass.  I’m seriously considering telling him I can’t come up tonight.

I’m having a hard time taking care of myself right now, too.  I’m not sleeping good, I’m eating everything in sight, I don’t want to do my regular hygiene routine, and I’m back to thinking I really don’t need my meds.  This is not a good thing.  And I’m smoking more than I have in a long time.  I know I said I was going to quit after this pack but last night on the way home I scrounged enough quarters to buy another pack.

I feel very broken right now.  Like someone whacked me upside the head with a sledgehammer and then just let the pieces lay where they fell.  Problem is now I’m not sure how to put the pieces back together, or if I even want to.  Sometimes it’s just easier to be broken than to deal with the hassle of rebuilding.  That’s pretty well how I feel right now – like it’s just not worth it.

Don’t get the wrong idea – I’m not suicidal, not by a long shot.  Seriously apathetic would be a better way to describe it.  I just don’t really give a fuck anymore – about anything.  There’s no excitement in my life, nothing good going on.  Yeah, I’ve got the birthday coming up, but that’s going to suck too because I won’t have any money to go out.  I don’t know, I guess I’m just bitching for the simple sake of bitching.

I’m still trying to get ready for the boutique, but I’m not sure I’m going to be ready in time.  I don’t have hardly any time at home to work on stuff.  I did manage to make 3 pairs of earrings yesterday before I had to get dinner ready.  I’m starting to get apathetic about this, too.

What’s been keeping me going, if you call this going, is a dear friend who seems hell-bent on keeping my spirits up with silly pictures and YouTube videos.  Of course if the boyfriend knew I was still talking to this friend he’d blow a fucking gasket.  Isn’t that just like the icing on the cake?

On top of everything else I hate my job.  It’s so damn boring right now.  The big excitement today was I got to troubleshoot a problem for a customer and it actually took me a little skull sweat to do it.  I live for a good challenge and I’m just not getting enough of that lately.  Maybe I’ll see if I can dredge up something interesting to do today.  Most of the office is out at a conference so if I screw around a little no one is likely to notice.

Last night was one of the hardest nights of my life, with the exception of the nights I tried to kill myself.  I had to put the boyfriend in the hospital because of his drinking and mental illness.  Leaving him there was so incredibly rough, I cried the whole way home and then cried myself to sleep.  The really kind of sick thing – he’s been put in the same room I was in when I was there last.

Don’t get me wrong, he needs the help – badly.  He drinks as soon as he gets up and then pretty well stays drunk all day.  Once he told me it was to keep the voices he hears at bay.  He finally decided yesterday that he was tired of being drunk all the time especially since it no longer does anything for the voices.

Personally I think he’s been misdiagnosed.  I just hope that this time he gets the treatment he needs and can be out of the hospital in time to start his new job.  We still don’t know if that’ll be the 23rd or the 30th; he’s supposed to find out tomorrow.  Right now I’ve got his cell phone – since they won’t let him have it – just in case his new boss calls.

I’m so incredibly torn and conflicted right now.  On the one hand I really need to be taking care of myself and my disease.  I did see my doctor and therapist yesterday so that helped.  The doctor is increasing the dosage on one of my meds to try to help the mood swings.  Instead of having a mixed episode right now I’m doing what’s called rapid cycling – that’s where my mood goes from one extreme to the other really fast, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.  That’s just not right and quite frankly it’s annoying as hell.

On the other hand, I need to take care of the boyfriend and try to make sure he gets the help he needs.  I know that this isn’t a necessity, at least it shouldn’t be, but for me it is.  He doesn’t really have anyone else right now and I’m his “rock.”  I’m just afraid that the waves of drama with him are going to erode this rock and quickly.

The boyfriend and I are having yet another fight.  All he wants to do is sleep and watch movies.  I tried telling him that if he doesn’t get accustomed to being awake during the day he’s never going to make it at the new job and he told me to piss off.  Nice, real fucking nice.  I am fast getting sick of his shit.

I go to a support group once a week and it’s about the only thing keeping me sane right now.  It’s the one place I can go and completely be myself – talk about what’s really bothering me, get insight, get support, get love.  I’m not getting that really anywhere else right now, with the exception of one friend outside the group I can talk to and be honest with.  Those two things are *my* rocks right now.

I’ve always been a very giving person, to the point where it sometimes get me in trouble.  I’ve way over-extended myself financially for the boyfriend and I’m starting to think that I’m emotionally over-extending myself as well.  I’m tired of always having to be the responsible one, the grown up.  He’s almost 5 years older than me, one would think he’d be the more mature one.  But no, it’s all one me.

I NEVER go outside on my lunch break to smoke, but today I just had to.  I was so pissed off that I just needed to get away from it all.  I’ve decided I don’t much care who knows that I smoke, particularly since my plan is to quit as soon as I’ve finished this pack.  I know I always say that but this time I’m really going to try.  It helps that I don’t have ANY extra money to buy cigarettes with.

Sorry all I seem to do is bitch lately.

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I don’t think I’ve ever been less excited about something as I am about this one.  The support group and I are going to go out for dessert after our meeting this week, so hopefully that’ll be fun.  But otherwise I expect it to be a thoroughly shitty weekend.  I was supposed to spend Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night with the boyfriend but now I’m thinking if he doesn’t shape up – and soon – I’m not going to do that.  I just can’t take the abuse any more.

That’s why we aren’t living together anymore – he ignored me most of the time, was verbally abusive when he did pay attention to me, and basically used me for my money.  Great relationship, eh?

Enough, I’m going to go have another cigarette and see if I can’t calm myself down.

The boyfriend received, and accepted, a better job offer this morning. More money, guaranteed more hours, physical work which means he’d lose the beer belly. The catch? He starts out being out of town (out of state!) for 6 weeks. If he does good on that job site he’ll be offered a permanent position when they get back PLUS a raise. He’d be a fool not to do it, so he’s taking it. The only consolation, if you want to call it that, is that he won’t leave until after my birthday.

I am torn byt this.  I want him to succeed and be able to support himself instead of constantly relying on me, but at the same time I don’t relish the thought of him being gone for so long.  On the plus side – he’ll be working in a “dry” county so he won’t be able to get drunk while he’s there.  On the down side – I won’t be there to take care of him if things get rough.  I just don’t know.  And it’s making me want to cry.

I’m still working to get ready for the boutique – I made several pairs of earrings last night and a necklace set.  This weekend while I’m at the boyfriend’s I’m going to try to price everything I have so far.  I made cute little tags with a stamped image on one side to go with my business name and “theme.”  I think it’s a nice touch.  Anyway, I’ve only got a few more weeks to get this stuff done so I need to get my ass in gear if I’m going to be ready with enough inventory.

Work is going alright.  I taught two days this week and both classes were horrible.  Just about everything that could go wrong did and I felt like a jackass.  Hopefully today I can just throw myself into my work and get some progress made.

My bipolar/BPD seems to be relatively under control.  I haven’t had any major episodes in awhile now and I think that’s a Very Good Thing.  I see both the doctor and the therapist on Monday.  Oddly enough, both of them were on vacation this week.

Enough drivel for one day…  Hope y’all are having a good Friday the 13th.  Catch ya Monday…

letting it all go

anger
deep inside
corked up like wine
resentment builds
grudges are held
never forgiving
never forgetting
eating at my soul

peace
flooding my being
flushing out the anger
clearing the deep seated
resentment
allowing me to forgive
to forget
to heal my soul

letting it all go
it’ll take time
take patience
love
and understanding
to free myself
of all the hate inside
eating at my soul