Bipolar is Beautiful

So the hurricane known as the boyfriend has finally moved on for good.  We had a knock-down, drag out fight over the phone on Sunday and there was no possible room for doubt that things are indeed OVER.  I turned off his cell phone about 5 minutes after the last call and haven’t heard a peep since.  (there is a weird number that showed up on my cell’s caller id that could have been him, but I don’t know – I was out smoking at the time the call came in and it hasn’t *yet* called back)

I hate to say it, but I kind of have mixed emotions about this.  I had sort of hoped in some sick way that we could have stayed friends.  That was until he told me he cheated on me while he was out of town and then proceeded to tell me just how fat and hideously ugly I am.  Coming from him this shouldn’t bother me, but it does.  I’ve got a pretty poor self-image as it is so hearing such hateful things from someone who allegedly loved me stings much more than I thought it would, or than it probably should.

I’d like to be able to say that there was a time in my life when something like this wouldn’t have effected me, but I can’t.  I’ve always been really sensitive and self-conscious and very easily wounded.  I’m hoping the hurt goes away in another few days, because quite honestly right now I’m kind of miserable.

Not helping matters (much) is a new guy, hence known as The Kid, because he’s slightly more than 10 years my junior.  Bet you’ll never guess where I met him…  Yeah, another psych ward special.  You would think I’d learn.  Anyway, he seems to have much more potential than the boyfriend ever did.  The crappy part?  They did basically lock him up and throw away the key, for 30 – 90 days anyway, and in another city about an hour from me.  So not only am I dealing with restricted visits (this is more like a jail than a regular psych ward) but I have to drive an hour for the priviledge of sitting and talking to him.  I get 2 hugs for my efforts – 1 when I get there and 1 when I leave.  No kisses, no hand holding, no nothing.  Just 2 hours of sitting and talking.

And Saturday when I went to visit him – first visit mind you – I was there for 30 minutes and he springs on me that there’s a movie starting in another 30 minutes that he really wants to see.  Meaning I made a 2hr roundtrip for an hour visit.  Needless to say, I was PISSED.  I had spent time getting all dolled up for him, smuggled in chew for him, and then I got slapped with that.  The more I think about it the more pissed I get.  And I know part of that is the BPD acting up, but c’mon people, I’m not that out of line here am I?

Maybe I should just be and stay single for awhile, no?

I’m still having issues with my meds.  They took me completely off the one I OD’d on, took me off one of my other mood stabilizers, and upped the dose on a different mood stabilizer.  During the first hospital stay they put me on some new stuff that seems to be working well, but it’s got a nasty side effect we didn’t pick up on until I got home – it makes me feel drunk for about 2 hours after taking it.  I saw my doctor on Friday and she had me try taking it at noon and bedtime instead of morning and bedtime – same effect.  I saw her again yesterday and now I’ll be taking it all at bedtime.  But let me tell you, I’m still not sure how I made it to that appointment.  I was probably not safe to be driving.  What the fuck, you only live once, right?

I’m going to start 2 new classes to help with the bipolar and the BPD.  The one is a peer to peer class being offered by  NAMI and lasts for 9 weeks.  The other is called DBT and should last for something like the next 10 years.  j/k  But seriously, it’s a long one.  Everyone says it’ll make a world of difference for me though, so I guess I gotta try it.  I have gotten to the point where I can feel the BPD episodes coming on.  Can’t do a fucking thing about it once it starts, but at least I can recognize it now.

Being back at work is both a blessing and big old suck-fest at the same time.  It took me 3 hours yesterday to wade through my email.  It took another 45 minutes this morning to dig my desk out.  Everybody’s been really nice to me – only 3 people actually know what happened.  Part of me wants to shout from the top of lungs that I’m a big ol’ psycho nut job and be done with it.  The other part of me says “fuck it – let ‘em guess.”  Getting up so fucking early in the morning again sucks.  But I like/need the structure in my day.  And I sure as hell need the paycheck.

I’m in a serious state of financial ruin right now thanks to the boyfriend.  My best guess is that it’ll take me about 3 months to dig back out.  At which point the hospital will start screaming for their money.  Anyway, I’d like to be able to take a trip later this summer to go visit my ex out on the west coast.  It’s kind of a toss up between that and saving for a downpayment on a new car.  The first “real” thing I’m going to spend money on again once I have some is getting the boyfriend’s name covered up on my back.  That’s priority numero uno.

I’m home again, back from my second hospitalization in as many weeks.  I’m lucky they didn’t decide to lock me up and throw away the key this time.  I actually attempted again and was damn near successful.  I’ll spare you the gory details, but I did spend another night in ICU before making my way to the psych ward.  Things just got to be way too  much to handle and as usual I thought that suicide was the answer.  How wrong I was.

So the boyfriend is no longer really the boyfriend.  I realized while I was in that this relationship with him isn’t healthy for either of us.  He’s having a hard time coming to terms with it.  So am I to be honest.  He’s been such a big part of my life for so long now that it feels like there’s this huge void in my life.  I don’t wanna talk about it.

Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know that I am alright and working on getting better.

I just got home from the hospital today; thinking that was a good thing.  And then I got slammed with this…

The boyfriend is NOT coming home, he’s heading back “home” to go through a 6 month alcohol treatment program.  No coming back to say goodbye, just leaving from where he’s at to head there.  But he says he still loves me and wants me to move there with him in a few months.

I am, I’d say understandably so, DEVASTATED.

So I’m still here, though not doing a whole lot better.

I went and saw the DR on Friday and she increased one of my meds, but it’s not helping yet.  I’ve got a laundry list of things to talk about with her today.  My boss and I talked about it a little bit this morning and she says that she’s noticed a change in me the last few days, but that it’s not effecting my work performance yet, so that was good.  I guess that means I’m keeping things together better than I’d thought.

One of the things that’s keyed me off to the “problem” is that my fuse is incredibly short and I find myself wanting to yell at everyone.  And I mean EVERYONE.  I almost lost it during a meeting this morning, which would not have been a good thing.  I did let the boyfriend have it the other night – but he seriously had it coming.  As I kind of figured he went out Saturday night and drank with his co-workers.  Let me tell you – I was PISSED.  The worst part?  He couldn’t figure out or understand why I was so mad, until the next morning anyway.  As soon as he woke up and called me the first thing he did was apologize for being such a jerk.  That made me feel a little better, but I’m afraid he’s going to have a repeat performance on his birthday later this week.

I just don’t know what to think about it, or worse, what to do about it.  Part of me thinks he’s used up all his chances and I should just cut my losses and run.  The other part of me thinks that he’s only human and this kind of thing is bound to happen, I should cut him some slack.

I think you know what I’ve decided.

I’m seriously getting tired of this BPD crap.  I know that’s what’s causing the majority of my problems right now.  And I’m helpless against it.  I want more drugs.  I’ve decided that instead of being anti-meds I’m going to see just how doped up I can get and still function.

I’m having some major BPD issues this morning.

The boyfriend didn’t call this morning before he started work – something he’s done the last 3 days.  All I got was a crappy text message that said “good morning.”  And so now, being the broken empty shell of a woman that I am, I am pissed off and wanted to (but didn’t) send him a really snotty message telling him not to bother calling me the rest of the day.  Seriously, how fucked up am I?  This is a bunch of bullshit – I’m an adult, I should be able to act like one.

And I still cry just about every time I talk to him, which is Not Good.  All it does is upset him and it irritates my contact lenses.  It does nothing for my mood.  I’m really trying to be strong for him, but damn is it hard.  I just miss him so much.

Ok, I’ll shut up about it now.

I’m still VERY depressed today, and just a little concerned about my safety.  I think, I’m pretty sure, that I can hold it all together and not completely crack up.  That’s it – I’m going to see my DR.

It’s been a while now since I’ve felt this suicidal.

I know I shouldn’t be such a baby about the whole “boyfriend being gone” business, but it’s heavy on my mind.  I’m trying to be strong for him and not let him hear me cry but it gets a little harder every day.  Since we met we’ve never been apart for this long, even when I tried to break up with him.  It sucks.

Life at home has been kind of crappy, too.  My parents are trying to be understanding, but all they want to do is get into my business all the time and I’m sick of it.  I’m an adult and I really can take care of myself.  I really want to tell them to lay off already.

Work sucks as well.  The girls that helped me move absolutely hate the boyfriend so until now I haven’t had his picture up at my desk and I don’t ever talk about him.  And that’s hard because I don’t really have anyone to talk to except for one friend, but that’s just a weird situation in and of itself.  Anyway, I’m trying to get ready to teach twice next week and the stress is really starting to get to me.

I got an email from the ex last night wanting to know why I haven’t filed for our divorce yet.  He’s got the balls to tell me that he’s been to Vegas with his family and is going back next month for some kind of big party thing in one breath and then berate me in the next for not having filed yet.  Bastard.  And he had the nerve to sign it “love” – what a joke.

So yeah, I’m a little close to the edge right now.  I think it would be easier just to go and hide in the hospital for awhile.

I honestly don’t know how other couples manage this whole separation thing, because I am having one bitch of a time with it.  I cannot fathom how bad it would be if the boyfriend was a soldier and had to be deployed for a long time.  I think I’d go nuts.

To his credit he is calling me several times a day and sending me picture messages.  I’ve got a picture of us we took the day before he left on my nightstand at home and hanging on the wall in my office so I can see his smiling face everywhere I go.  But damn do I miss the feel of his arms around me at night.

I think the nights are the hardest for me.  During the day I can stay busy with work and just tell myself that he’s doing the same.  But then at night when I don’t pick him up from work and get those kisses, it just about breaks my heart.  When he gets back I will be moving back in with him, I’ve already decided that – parents be damned.

So far I’m doing good taking my meds every day.  I found some vitamin D tablets yesterday that I can actually swallow without gagging, so hopefully that’ll help.  I also bought my last pack of cigarettes.  Today the tax on them is supposed to go up drastically so I just won’t be able to justify spending the money on something that’s just going up in flames – literally.

I went to the bead store at lunch yesterday and bought myself a great new ring – I’m saying it came from the boyfriend cuz I’m goofy like that.  But it looks kind of like a big fat diamond (his birthstone) and I’m wearing it on my left ring finger.  He thinks it’s beautiful.  Wanna see?

new "diamond" bling

It’s a little blurry because I took the pic with my phone, but you get the idea.  I still need to get someone to take pics of my back tattoos so I can post at least one of them – only one because the other two are sort of “well known” shall we say and would be identifying marks.  The one has the boyfriend’s name in it, so that’s a definite no-no.   Anyway…

At work I’m prepping to teach two classes next week, which is quite the load for me.  I usually only teach once a week, and then it’s classes I’ve done before or feel pretty confident about.  One of the classes falls into that category, but the other one is brand new and I know very little about the product I’ll be teaching.  I am not looking forward to this.