Bipolar is Beautiful

I finally told my mom last night just how shitty I’ve been feeling these past few days.  It surprised her – so I guess that means I’ve been hiding it better than I had thought.

I talked to the kid last night before dinner and we both lamented the fact that I wasn’t coming to visit.  This whole being a grown up, responsibility bullshit is for the birds.  It took everything I had to tell him no I couldn’t come.  And then after I got off the phone I cried.  Cried because what I really needed was a hug from him and it’s still another whole day before I’ll get one.  Cried because of how little and lonely I felt, and still feel.  Cried because I realized I really do love him and don’t want to lose him.

I feel very much broken today.  I’ve been functioning alright, handled the meeting this morning just fine, played nice with my DR during our visit, but I don’t know that I’ve been totally straight with anyone.  I’m putting on my “game face” and pretending that everything is fine when really I’m a big wreck inside.  It’s like I’m trapped inside my own head with no one to talk to, except there’s always music playing, no matter what I do there’s always the music.  Never the same music, usually just whatever I’ve been listening to lately, but it’s always there.  Quite frankly it’s getting a little annoying.

But I digress…  Broken.  I’m back to feeling like there are pieces missing, not necessarily big pieces, but important ones.  Maybe this’ll all get better when I start the classes on Monday.  Maybe I’ll go ballistic and have an episode before then.  Who the fuck knows?  And quite frankly, right now at least, who the fuck cares?

I’m feeling very puny and pathetic today, not a good combination, particularly for a Thursday.  On a Monday I could half way expect this, perhaps even a Tuesday.  But Thursday should be a strong day – just one more day of work until a break.  Too easy to just fuck off and not get anything done when  you feel this way.

So part of why I’m feeling the way I am is that I know I need to do some difficult things here in the next few days and I’m seriously not looking forward to any of them.  For starters, the kid called last night and practically begged me to come visit tonight, which I simply cannot do.  My sleep is so precious right now that during the week I am not willing to do ANYTHING to jeopardize it.  So anyway, I had to tell him no and that hurt because I really wanted to do it, still do.  But I went and scheduled myself an early morning meeting tomorrow that I just can’t miss.  I’ll get to see him on Saturday, but still, it sucks that I can’t see him tonight, too.  I cannot wait until they move him closer to home.

Speaking of the sleep thing, last night I zonked out by 7:30 AND I’d forgotten to take my bedtime meds.  Apparently I’m too stupid to remember these things on my own and since my mother was gone last night, no pills.  Remarkably I slept pretty well in spite of it.  But this sleep thing is some serious shit.  If I don’t get at least 8 hours, preferably 10, I am just about worthless the next day.  I don’t know if this is the bipolar or the BPD or just getting old, but it sucks ass.

The bipolar seems to be pretty well under control these days.  My moods have been pretty stable, just a few little dips now and again.  I still have a hard time concentrating and would much rather be sleeping or screwing around than working.  But I’m learning to fake it, so it’s all good.

I started doing diary cards for DBT yesterday.  It reminds me of when I first started seeing my current DR and she had me chart my moods.  I don’t actually start the classes until Monday, but my therapist wanted to get me started on some of the stuff a little early.  Apparently this is quite the committment – I’ll be doing this for at least the next 12 – 18  months.  That kind of scares me; it’s a helluva long time to commit to.  But I guess if it helps it’ll be worth it.  And my parents are going to pay for it, so that helps a lot.  As it is I spend close to $300 every month on DR/therapy visits and meds.  And that’s WITH insurance!

So what do I need help letting go of?  The old boyfriend.  I think I mentioned he called Tuesday night and asked me to call him back yesterday.  Well, I tried, but couldn’t find him.  I should have just told him when he called the other day to please leave me the hell alone, but I just can’t seem to do that.  With all the shit he pulled, all the money he sucked from me, all of the nasty things he said…  Why do I keep hanging on to him?  WHY?  Am I some kind of mental midget to keep thinking things will change for the better and he’ll come back to me?  I am well and truly fucked in the head over this one.

I love the kid, I just don’t feel the same passion with him yet.  I’m trying to chalk it up to not being able to spend any “real” time with him yet.  Maybe it’s a good thing – we should be good friends before sex becomes part of the equation, something I haven’t had happen in a very long time.  I can’t wait to get to that part though, I am wound tighter than a spring right now.

And I feel so utterly alone most of the time.  I mean, I have my family and a few close friends around, but I don’t feel like anyone really “gets” what I’m going through and I don’t know how to explain it to anyone anyway.  It’s like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is listening.  No, I’m not in any danger from myself right now, I’m just frustrated.  I feel like a hamster on a wheel – I keep running and running and I never get anywhere.

Yesterday I went back and read my whole blog, in reverse order of course.  That was enlightening.  I could see when I was in the midst of having a BPD episode, when I was just plain being stupid, and when the danger really set it.  Scary stuff if you ask me.

Today has been… interesting.  Last night I gave a friend a ride to class and ended up having to call my parents to come get me from her house afterwards because my Geodon had kicked in with full force and I was basically drunk off my ass.  Kind of scary really.  I think I talked to the kid while I was there, but I wouldn’t swear to it.  I know I talked to the boyfriend because he called while I was in the car with Mom on the way home.  All I remember of that was him asking me if I was drunk and telling me where he’s staying so I could call today.

And being the idiot that I am, I tried calling him just a little bit ago.  No answer, but that’s not too surprising as it’s only 7am where he’s at so I’m sure he’s just not awake yet.  But why am I calling him?  He’s hurt me so bad in the past, so very bad, why would I want to continue to talk to him?  Because there’s just something compelling about him, about the things he says to me, trying to win me back.  I guess I just like to have my ego stroked.

Things with the kid are going pretty good though.  We’re telling each other that we love each other now, which is super nice.  It just sucks only being able to see him once a week for two hours.  I’m hoping he hears something this week about getting moved to a treatment program closer to home so I can see him more often.  I’m really looking forward to when he gets out altogether and we can spend some real quality time together.  I need more than stolen kisses and hugs and dammit I need it NOW.

But I won’t go elsewhere to get my lovin’.  I’ve decided that I am a one man girl from now on.  He asks me about it sometimes, whether or not I’ve been faithful, saying he’d understand if I wasn’t.  But that’s just not fair to him, and besides, it’s not like I’ve got a ton of opportunities to take a tumble.

I told him one of the last times I visited him that there are precisely two men right now that I would consider sleeping with.  He’s obviously one of them, the other one is 1500 miles away and waiting for me to file for divorce.  So I hardly think he’s got anything to worry about.  Besides, I’ve already kind of had that discussion with the ex and he said in no uncertain terms that he would not, could not, take me back.  I’m just too unstable emotionally and he can’t take that anymore.  We’re still good friends and talk on the phone on a fairly regular basis, and I think we’ll probably always be good friends, but that’s all it’ll ever be from now on.  And I think I’m ok with that.

It amazes me to this day the extent to which I have managed to fuck up my life and yet continue to plod ever onward.  I wrecked two marriages, countless friendships and relationships, have had 2 very serious suicide attempts, and yet here I am.  I have to wonder what this says about me, and my purpose in life.

Part of my problem is I’m always focusing on trying to fix other people and their problems.  I very rarely stop and look at what’s going on with me and my problems – it’s just too hard.  That’s why the relationship with the boyfriend bombed so spectacularly – I thought I could fix him, when what I should have been doing was trying to fix me.  Hopefully the relationship with the kid will go better.  I’ve got no hidden agenda for fixing him – I’m letting him do that on his own.  And while he is, I’m working on me, or at least trying to.

I think for the first time in my life I’m really starting to take care of myself.  I don’t mean the basics like eating and bathing and all that stuff, I mean I’m really being vigilant about taking my meds, getting the sleep I need, taking classes, doing the work of fixing what’s broken.  And truth be told I feel weird about it.  I don’t like all of this attention focused on me.  I’d rather blend into the background.  But alas I can be a wallflower no more.

And I’ve kind of decided what my purpose is in life – to be the very best aunt I can to my baby niece and her new baby brother or sister when they arrive in December.  Cuz truth be told I am scared shitless that one of them will end up having mental issues like I do, and I don’t want them to suffer like I did for so long.  Hell, I don’t want to see them suffer at all.  That’s why I never had kids of my own – too risky to pass this on to them.  But I can be the bestest auntie in the world and be there for them when they need me, because there is no doubt in my mind that there will come a day when they will need me and I’ve got to be strong enough to be there.

Just when I thought I was rid of him, the boyfriend popped back up yesterday.  I’ll spare you the gory details, but life is about to get very interesting for him and I don’t wish any of it on him, no matter how big a prick I think he is.

Things with the kid are going REALLY well, considering he’s still locked in a mental ward anyway.  I saw him Thursday and Saturday last week and the L word came up.  I was understandable stoked.  Plus we managed to sneak a few covert kisses so that was a bonus.  It’s kind of sad when you’re in your 30s and a couple of quick kisses from your man gets you all excited, isn’t it?  Yeah well, welcome to my life.  Hopefully it won’t be much longer before he’ll be coming ‘home’ to go to a treatment program here.  My real hope is that he’s out of everything and a free man by 4 July – that’s his favorite holiday.  Sadly I won’t be seeing him again until this next Saturday because the night time visits during the week are just too hard on me.  I don’t get enough sleep and the next day I’m like a fucking zombie.  Can’t have that and keep the job.

Work is going alright, though kind of blah lately.  My boss is working from home a lot lately and that makes it hard on me – harder to stay on task anyway.  But I’m going to try to start developing a new course starting this week, so that should be fun.  I haven’t done any new development in awhile and it’s something I really enjoy, and quite frankly I’m very good at it.  When I was out last month I missed 2 classes I had scheduled and because my materials are prepared so thoroughly the team I work with was able to pick up my stuff and teach it for me.  Not something that could be said about any of the others I don’t think.

Last week I had the first meeting of my peer to peer class, that was fun.  We didn’t do a whole lot yet because we had to establish the rules and stuff like that, but I think it’s going to be a great experience.  I’m actually kind of looking forward to the DBT classes to start, too.  Much as I’ve always hated the idea of it, I think I’ve finally realized just how much I need more help than I’ve been getting and I’ve tried just about everything else to no avail.  I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this, that’s for damn sure.

My “new” meds seem to be working pretty well now that I’ve figured out how to take them.  I’m chatty again, my face actually has some expression, my anxiety is pretty well in the normal range…   All good things.  And I’m getting more comfortable around my niece, which is awesome.  I got sunburned yesterday playing in the kiddie pools with her.  My sister got a bigger pool but just hasn’t set it up yet – but I can’t wait.  I love playing in the water and so does my niece.  I just hope next weekend is nice so we can have some play time.

One of the other things I did this weekend was go back to the cemetery where I had my last suicide attempt.  I wanted to make peace with my grandmother and aunt.  Mom and Dad both went with me.  It was hard, but I’m glad I did it.  I’ve definitely decided that my next full tattoo (not the cover up of the boyfriend’s name) is going to incorporate my grandmother’s and my aunt’s initials.  I think I’ve got a design picked out, now I just need the cash.

I have come to the (painful) realization that I’ve got to stop trying to take care of everyone else and start focusing on taking care of me.  This is painful for me because it’s been a really long time since I just worried about myself, and I’m not entirely sure how to do it.  I don’t want to alienate the few friends I have in the process, but then some of them are more harmful to my mental well-being than they are supportive and helpful.

And I’m starting to wonder if the kid falls into that category.  (my therapist would say definitely)  I haven’t heard from him in a few days now and I’m starting to get worried.  They were talking about moving him to a facility here in town instead of an hour away, but I would think if they’d moved him already he would have called and told me.  I’m supposed to go visit him tomorrow night, but not if I haven’t heard anything.  I just wish he’d call already.

I’m still having concentration issues, though the sleep is getting a little better.  I’m having a little depression right now, but I think it’s hormonal so I’m not too worried about it.  And I haven’t had any BPD issues for a few days now, so that’s a good thing.  Slowly but surely the pieces are coming back together.

I’m still not sleeping very well and it’s continuing to take a toll on my life.  The DR keeps changing the times of when I take my various nighttime meds, trying to find the right timing to get my body to relax and let go.  I think we might almost be there.  Tonight I try taking my Geodon at 6 and then Lithium and 2mg of Klonopin at bedtime.  Hopefully that does the trick.  If not, I scream.

I did end up talking to the kid when he called the other day.  I gave up being pissy and decided that for now I’m just going to be happy getting whatever I can get.  If he continues to treat me like this when he gets out, I’ll call the whole thing off.  I got enough of that kind of abuse from the old boyfriend.  It’s just so hard because I really do think I like him a lot and want to have some kind of “real” relationship with him, but that’s impossible while he’s locked up.

It’s kind of making me wonder why I can’t find a “nice” guy my own age who’s got a little more to offer.  Maybe if I’d stop looking under rocks…    Seriously though, how’s a mental gal such as myself supposed to find someone who’s understanding, educated, well mannered, fun to be around, likes tattoos, and doesn’t live a million miles away?  Or am I really asking for too much here?

The only good thing happening lately is that it appears that the combination of Geodon and Lithium has my bipolar pretty well under control.  I haven’t had any major mood swings since I got out of the hospital and in general my mood has been stable – except when I’m having the BPD episodes.  Then it’s like all hell breaks loose.  I did some reading on it the other day and it scared the shit out of me.  The article was describing me to a T.  And the only effective treatment they’ve found so far are DBT classes, which I am scheduled to start June 1.  I just hope it works for me.  I hate not feeling like I’m in control of my emotions, but that’s exactly what happens.  It’s like I’m stuck inside my head just watching the carnage unfold before my eyes.  Luckily I’m starting to be able to recognize when an episode is coming on so I can try to do something about it, like divert myself away from whatever triggered the episode.  But this is some scary shit.  I realized last night that all 4 times I’ve attempted suicide I was having an episode I couldn’t control.

My life feels like lately it’s just gone right down the shitter.

I’ve had 3 BPD episodes in the last week, the kid is not exactly treating me great, my damn DBT classes won’t start now until June, I can’t concentrate for shit at work, and to top it all off I feel this morning on my way into work and ripped up my knee pretty good.  I am not having a good time right now.  Oh, and I’m fighting with a friend about something that happened last year that I just can’t seem to get over.  Doncha wish you were me?

My DR told me that my concentration would be the last thing to come back after all of the hell I went through last month, but I just don’t know how much longer I can wait.  My boss said something to me about it this morning and all I could do was cry.  She wasn’t trying to be mean or anything, just trying to figure out how to help me, but I’m so fucking sensitive right now that I became convinced that she was going to fire me right there on the spot.  And then I’d have really been fucked.  Anyway, I’m supposed to be working on a “to-do” list to help move things along.  I’ve done about as much of that as I can stomach for the time, so here I am listening to music and writing.

The kid is getting on my nerves.  He practically begged me to come visit last night, so I did.  But then after I’d been there for about 30 minutes he pulls this “I don’t want to run out of things to talk about and I have to pee” business so I ended up leaving after only an hour.  Now this wouldn’t be such a big deal except for two things.  The first is that Saturday I was supposed to go visit him and he decided that he’d rather sleep than have me visit.  The second is that it’s a HOUR drive just to get there.  And he expects me to just be fine with all of this and not get upset.  Fine, whatever.  No more visits during the week – it’s just too hard to get up the next morning.  And I’m seriously thinking about not answering the phone when he calls.  He’s been the trigger for 2 of the 3 episodes – not healthy.  But then I try to remind myself that A) he is just a kid compared to me and lacks some of the maturity I on occassion can exhibit; and B) he’s mentally ill, too, and I’m not always the most sensitive of others’ feelings when I get into a mood.  I just don’t know what to do about him.

The music I’m listening to right now is a compilation of songs I put together for the old boyfriend.  It’s a little bittersweet.  I got a card from him yesterday, again professing his undying love for me.  I don’t know what to make of that situation either.

I am one confused bitch.

Why is it that everyone and their dog all of a sudden thinks they can tell me how to live my life?  Just asking…

I went to see my DR this morning and got a lecture about The Kid – how I wasn’t supposed to be getting myself into anymore relationships and how it’s too soon and how I need to ditch him and focus on myself for awhile, be alone in other words.  WTF?!  Granted, my last choice was a real winner, but still, that doesn’t mean I have to live like a damn nun does it?  And she wants me to take my nightime meds at 7 so I can be in bed by 8.  Again I say WTF?!  I’m in my 30s not my 90s!  I know I’m not getting enough sleep with the ways things stand right now, but it is totally unrealistic for me to be in bed by 8 every night.  There’s just too fucking much to do!

When she told me the thing about The Kid I wanted to punch her and I told her I was pissed.  I understand that she’s concerned about me, but let’s get real, I don’t do “alone” well at all.  I haven’t really been alone since I was 15 yrs old, I ain’t about to start now.  But let’s make this even more interesting, shall we?  I went in and talked to my friend at work and she told me the SAME DAMN THING!  Does no one want me to be happy?  Fortunately my mom is keeping her big damn mouth shut for once.

Life in general sucks right now.  The DR thinks I’m about to have a manic episode, I know I’m having a BPD episode right now, I’m not sleeping, I can’t concentrate at work, one of my very good friends is in the hospital, The Kid is still locked up, and the boyfriend won’t go away.  All I want to do is smoke myself into oblivion.  If only it were that easy.

Quite frankly I don’t know what’s keeping me going right now.  I’m miserable at work, I’m miserable in my personal life, I’m flat broke, and no one seems to understand what I’m going through.  Calgon, take me away!!!