Bipolar is Beautiful

There’s a new man in my life – the car guy.  He owns a body shop and is really into cars.  And me.  We met on an online dating site and hit it off really well.  The only bad thing is that he lives about an hour from me – same town the kid was in.  So we’ll be doing a lot of driving to  make this work, but I think it’s doable.  I spent almost all day with him Sunday and then he came up for dinner last night.  Tonight he’s coming up for dinner and a movie.  Hopefully we’ll be able to spend Friday together since I have the day off for the holiday.

One of the really cool things about him is he was married to someone who has bipolar so he understands me a little better.  Apparently his ex-wife doesn’t manage hers very well though.  So far he’s been very in tune to my moods and emotions, which is nice.  I didn’t tell him about the BPD – figured there’s no sense in it.  I’m doing much better managing it these days so it shouldn’t be a problem.

I’m still going to the damn DBT classes and still don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of it.  Mom says she can tell a difference though, I’m less quick to fly off the handle when things don’t go exactly like I planned.  I guess I can see that.

And I finally cut the kid loose.  It was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  He called Sunday while I was on my date and I told him I was out and would call him later.  When I called him he asked me what I’d decided and I told him I’d decided to stick with the car guy.  He said, “so I guess that’s it, huh?”  And I said I guessed so.  I haven’t heard from him since.  Seriously it was a no brainer – the car guy has a job, a car, a place to live, much more potential for a future together.

The only potential downside is that the car guy also has 3 kids – one of which lives with him full time.  And we all know how I feel about kids.  But if it’s meant to be then I’ll get along with his kids and it’ll all work out.  I’m just not going to worry about it right now.

Still talking to the 2 guys I met online.  I’m actually going out with the one tonight after my support group meeting, and trying to arrange getting together with the other one tomorrow night.  I’ve gone from zero social life to social butterfly overnight it seems!

The kid is still kind of in the picture, but not for much longer I don’t think.  Yesterday I called him when I got home from work to see if he wanted me to come up and visit and he said no, he wanted to just relax.  Fine.  I got into my pj’s and went about getting ready for tonight’s big date.  Not an hour later he calls up wanting to know what I’m doing because he’s bored.  No way mister – you blew your chance to see me.  I told him this and then went back to doing my stuff.  I called him before I went to bed – not sure why – and he wanted me to come up tonight between work and my meeting AND bring him more chew.  To top it all off he had the balls to ask me if I’d sneak in some of my anxiety pills!  Now that’s the kind of shit the old boyfriend would have done and I am having no part of it.  He doesn’t know about the date tonight and he’s not going to know.  He’s supposed to call me sometime this afternoon, and I haven’t decided yet if I’ll answer the phone or not.  I’m thinking not.

All I want is to find a nice guy, who’s got a job and a car, that treats me like a princess – or at least not like a doormat.  That’s not asking too much, is it?

So I decided to get on with my life – my love life specifically – and talked to 2 guys last night.  Wouldn’t you know it, while I’m on the phone with one (and chatting with the other online) the kid calls!  I didn’t take the call but did call him back to see what the hell he wanted.  Turns out he’s sorry and wants to take another stab at it.  I said sure, but told him about the online dating thing.  He said that was fine just as long as I didn’t do anything more than talk with these guys.  Like he’s in a position to tell me how to live my life!  Anyway, come to find out he really wants me to come visit him so I can smuggle him in some chew like I did when he was at the regional center.  I’ve got really mixed emotions about this.  On the one hand I’ve got like $30 to last me until payday next Tuesday and I need to buy smokes for myself.  Plus it would be nice to have a few bucks to go out this weekend if things pan out with the new guy.  On the other hand I feel like I’m being used again, just like with the boyfriend – it’s not “what I can I do for Pip?” it’s “what’s Pip gonna do for me today?”  And quite frankly I’m getting tired of it.

To make things even more interesting last night, the old boyfriend did call me from wherever the hell it is he’s hiding out these days – just to “check” on me.  What he really wanted to know was whether or not I’ve gotten his name covered up yet.  What a loser.

Anyway, the new guy thing is going pretty decently so far.  We’ve been texting mostly, though I did get him to actually call me last night so I could hear his voice.  Sexy!  And he thinks my tattoos are sexy, so that’s a major plus.  AND I dropped the bipolar bomb on him (his ex wife has it bad apparently) and he didn’t flinch.  WHOO-HOOO!  We may have a major score here, it’s just a little too early to tell yet.  But it’s definitely got potential.

The kid is gone.  We ended it on Saturday.  Too much drama from both of us was the underlying cause, you could say.  He’s got no fucking clue what he’s doing with his life and I couldn’t handle the stress of never knowing what was going to happen next.  I hope he finds what he needs and gets his shit together before it’s too late and they lock him up for good.

So this morning I signed myself up for an online dating service.  I’ve already made successful contact with one guy who’s supposed to be calling me tonight.  We shall see what happens.  I don’t think I’m going to drop the bipolar/BPD bombshell on him right away – better to let that come later after we see if there’s any kind of connection.  No sense in dropping dynamite into the mix just yet.

I’m reading this really good book about BPD called “Sometimes I Act Crazy” by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus.  It’s an excellent book for anyone suffering from BPD or living with someone who has it.  My mom gave it to me to read yesterday when I was moping around the house lamenting the loss of the kid, and I haven’t really been able to put it down since.

I satisfy 8 of the 9 criteria for having BPD – that kind of scared me.  I guess I had always thought maybe I just had a mild case of it, but no, I’ve got it full blown!  I’m supposed to go to DBT class tonight – which is something the book highly recommends – but my heart just isn’t in it.  I didn’t do my diary card for last week and quite frankly I’m not going to do one.  I think they’re stupid.  Who gives a rat’s ass how suicidal I’ve been feeling?  The important thing is that I stayed safe, right?  Fuck it all anyway.

I talked to the ex the other day and he suggested that I just get some books about DBT, research it myself, and teach myself how to do it.  I’m starting to think that’s a mighty fine idea.  This whole class thing is just a joke.  And besides, after sitting through 45 minutes of therapy I’m expected to sit through another 70 minutes of that dreck.  My poor hip can’t take it!

Maybe I neglected to mention the problem with my hip.  I appear to have done something to piss off the big muscle that runs down the side of my upper thigh so that after sitting for awhile walking becomes torture.  I’ve seen the chiropractor about it twice now and have another appointment scheduled for Wednesday.  I don’t hold out much hope that it’s going to help though – it just seems to be getting worse and worse.  And I’ve even stopped wearing cheap sandals!

Anyway, life stinks right now.  I hope the call with the potential new guy goes well tonight.  I’ll let ya know tomorrow.

The kid is back in the mental ward.

He called me last night while we were having dinner and asked me to pick him up at the downtown library because if I didn’t  he was going to go to the nearest store and buy a bottle of bleach and drink it.  He’s been off his meds for a couple of days because of all the fuck ups with the program and going back to the shelter and trying to go back to the program and he’s gotten really symptomatic again.  Says he feels like too much of a burden on me and his family and just wants to end it all.  I told him not on my watch!

So I hopped in the car and drove all the way downtown and got him and then drove him all the way back across town to the best psych ward around – the one where we met.  We waited in the ER for like 2 hours before they took him to the Psych ER and then it was another hour at least before we saw anyone.  Finally at 11pm they said they’d admit him and had a bed but it wouldn’t be until after midnight until they’d get him processed.  So I left him there to try to get a little sleep while I was still awake enough to drive home safely.

I told him he did the right thing by calling me when the shit hit the fan.  I’ve promised to always be there for him and take care of him and I mean that.  But I’ve got to take care of me, too.  So when I got home I took all of my nighttime meds, had some yogurt, and crashed hard.  I slept for 9 hours, and probably would have slept more if my mom hadn’t come in and woken me up.  I can only assume that the kid is still sleeping as he hasn’t called yet and promised to do so as soon as he woke up.  But he hasn’t slept more than about 3 hours over the last two days, so I won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from him for awhile yet.

My biggest fear right now is that they’ll send him back to the regional center, which is the very last thing either one of us wants to have happen.  They need to get him placed in like a group home, I think that would be the best situation.

Just got a call from the kid – he’s back in the program.  I told him I’m proud of him even if it means restrictive visits and spotty phone calls for the next month.  It’s a minimum 7 month program but things get less restrictive after the first 30 days.  I just hope he can stick it out this time.

I’ve been thinking about my own demons today since my earlier post.  I think my bipolar is pretty well under control now that my lithium levels are evening out.  The BPD is another story altogether.  I don’t think I’ve been doing the dreaded DBT long enough to really see any changes.  I certainly don’t feel any different yet.  About the only thing I’m feeling right now is worry about the kid.  Part of me is pissed that he couldn’t wait until Monday to go back so that at least we’d have had the weekend together.  The other part of me knows that the longer he stayed out of the program the harder it would be to go back and the more likely he’d be to fall back on old (BAD) habits.  But damn do I miss him.

I don’t think I’m necessarily having an episode right now, but I could certainly use a way to vent some frustration right about now.  Guess that’s why I’m writing, eh?  Anyway, life is not playing out the way I wanted it to right now.  I certainly didn’t expect to be 33 and living at home and having a boyfriend in rehab for the next 7 months.  Life just doesn’t seem fair these days, it’s too hard.  Too many decisions to make, pressure to make the “right” ones, too many things I want to be doing and can’t do, too little money in the bank account.

Bitch and moan, that’s all I seem to do anymore.

The kid sprung himself from the program he was supposed to start on Wednesday, that very night.  Said he just couldn’t take it.  So he went to the one shelter in town that will still take him and called me at 5AM Thursday morning.  Now I hadn’t been sleeping really anyway because I hadn’t heard from him all day Wednesday, but still, 5 is a little early.  Anyway, he wanted to know if I could take the day off work and help him try to find a different shelter and maybe figure out what the hell he’s going to do with his life.  I of course said sure and made the necessary phone calls.

So after my morning doctor’s appointment (they’re checking to see if I’ve finally gotten diabetes), I drove downtown and promptly got lost trying to find him.  I did finally manage it and we started our day together.  Our first REAL time together.  It was great.  I love just being around him, being able to hold his hand, give him kisses, the works.  Anyway, we made some calls and it sounded like he was going to be admitted to a shelter across the river in the next state – just right across the border, much closer than when he was in the other city.  So we spent some time together, had lunch, smoked some cigarettes, and I took him over to the shelter and dropped him off.  (it’s about a 25 minute drive from where I live)  I had just gotten home and laid down for a quick nap and the phone rings – it’s him and the shelter won’t take him afterall, can I please come get him and take him back to the first shelter?  Sure, what the hell, it’s only gas.

Now this morning he called while I was on my way in to work and said he’s thinking about going back to the program he left.  His grandparents are really pissed at him for leaving, and I have to admit that I was pretty disappointed he didn’t even give it a full day.  I know it’ll be restrictive and it’ll be hard, but life is hard and you can’t just run away when the going gets tough.

Though I have to admit, I’d almost rather see him stay free and find a job because it would mean more time we could spend together.  But that’s me being greedy.

Boy do I love him though.  He makes me feel so special, so loved.  Even though we had the opportunity to get a little lovin’ yesterday we both agreed it just didn’t feel right yet.  How sweet is that?

Alright – time for a smoke.

Follow up from last post – the kid is now claiming that he said he was going to talk to the doctors about going off some of his meds, not that he was going to quit cold turkey.  Now I know what I heard but I’ve decided it’s not worth fighting about so I’ve dropped the issue.  He’s going to do what he wants to do anyway and there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it, so there is no sense in me worrying about it.

I, however, am over medicated right now and the doctor says so.  I had my blood levels checked yesterday and I’m about half again as high as I should be on the one med.  Which accounts for all of the crappy stuff that’s been happening lately like the messed up sleep, the other med working too fast, bathroom issues, being clumsy, etc.  So she’s lowering my dosage to bring things back in line.  Hopefully this only takes a few days, because I am not a terribly patient person.  The sleep thing has gotten so messed up that yesterday I spent the entire day in bed.  I feel marginally better today.

My car had been having some issues – again – and I finally took it in to be looked at yesterday.  I’d been waiting because quite frankly I don’t have the money to get it fixed and most of the problems were nuisance issues.  Until the radio died on Friday night.  Let me tell you, there is nothing like taking an hour long road trip with no radio – except making the trip back home with still no radio.  That was quite possibly the longest drive I’ve ever made.  Fortunately since they’re moving the kid up here today I won’t be making that drive EVER AGAIN.

Anyway, the car turned out to have water in a bunch of the relays in the electrical system.  So the door locks weren’t working, the trunk was opening itself when it rained, the trunk release wasn’t working, and the radio was on the fritz.  $200 later and it’s back to behaving itself like it should.  Oh, and all of the tires were low except one which was overinflated.  (probably because it looked low once and I don’t own a tire guage so I guessed)  It’s almost as good as having a new car.  Which is good, because I have a feeling it’s going to be about another year before I can afford a real new car.

So yeah, the kid is coming “home” today to start a rehab program.  It’s a residential program so he’ll live there, which means visits only on certain days again.  He’s on probation for the first month so I think I’ll only get to see him for a couple of hours on Sundays to start with.  He’s supposed to call me tonight with all the details once he gets them.  I’m really worried about him making it in this program.  He’s pretty strong willed and not necessarily all that keen on authority, plus there’s a religious component to this program and he’s not at all religious.  I’m just really afraid he’s going to hate it and drop out and end up back in a shelter.  I just have to keep telling myself that there’s nothing I can do to control him or change his actions.  All I can do is love him and give him support and encouragement.  So much easier said than done…

So I drove down and visited the kid last night, on a work night, knowing it would fuck with my sleep and cause me problems today.  What I didn’t know was that I’d be awake all night worrying about him.  Ya see, he told me last night that when they release him to rehab he’s going to stop taking his psych meds.  My jaw just about hit the floor.  Evidently he doesn’t like the way they slow him down so he’s just going to stop taking them and go back to his old habits – drinking, drugging, partying.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I had thought this whole time he’d been learning from the mistakes he made in the past and how to get on with his life in a healthier way.  Oh no, he’s been playing the system and just biding his time until he’s free so he can do whatever the fuck he wants to again.  And he told me that he’s applied for SSI – at 22!  I should point out that I have pretty strong feelings about people on SSI at such a young age.  I think if you’re capable of working and providing for yourself then that’s exactly what you should be doing, not lounging around at home all day living off the government.

I am so incredibly disappointed in him, and it breaks my heart.  I’ve been crying off and on all day.  I’m supposed to go visit him tomorrow again but I’m not sure I can even  look him in the eye anymore.

Turns out that the “mooch” is also a flake – she blew me off for both the Friday night meeting and the benefit walk.  I am officially done with her shit.  Time for her to step up and take some responsibility for her own recovery.

I’m also not too pleased with the situation with the kid.  He didn’t do anything, it’s the program he’s getting ready to start.  From the way things sound we won’t be able to see each other for THIRTY fucking days once he starts!  Not sure if he’ll be allowed phone calls during that time, but something tells me no.  He’s supposed to be calling them today to get more details.  I hope like hell that we’re wrong about this.  Last we heard they’re supposed to move him this Friday – if that’s the case I’ll be going up to see him Thursday night, work Friday will just be rough.

Tonight is the next dreaded DBT class.  I got my diary cards caught up this morning so I guess I’m about as prepared as I can get.  I just wish I could get a little more enthused about this, but I can’t seem to make myself.

And I am dead tired today.  I went to bed last night at like 7 because I was wiped from the weekend and getting my sleep schedule all fucked up.  Maybe I slept too much.  Dunno, but I am dragging ass today.