So I told my therapist what he could do with the DBT class and he said that was fine, but he wouldn’t keep seeing me and neither would my DR. WTF?!?!?! Apparently, because they think this is the best treatment for me, if I don’t comply they’re going to cut off all treatment. Now I see one of the best DRs and therapists in this area and it took me awhile to find them, so I don’t want to just give them up. But I don’t want to take the classes either, so I am stuck. And chances are good that even if I did find another DR/therapist they’d do the same thing to me. So it’s back to the fucking class I go. Needless to say, I am royally pissed off about this.
Things with the car guy have not improved. I did get a short phone call last night, which was nice, but it’s not enough. I don’t even want to try to ask him when I’ll get to see him again, I’m afraid it would just start a fight. My date Tuesday went pretty good. He’s a nice enough guy, very attentive, easy to talk to. He’s just not my usual type and he’s not been overly communicative since I saw him. So who knows what’ll happen with that situation. I wish my love life would improve a little bit.
Tuesday I passed out in the shower and ended up hurting myself. I’ve got a huge bruise on my ass and another one on my left arm. Sitting is painful, as is getting up, and laying down’s not that great either. It’s making it even harder to sleep, which is not a good thing. My sleep lately has been very patchy. It takes me a long time to fall asleep and then once I’m out I don’t stay that way – I wake up every few hours. I couldn’t tell you the last time I got a good night’s sleep. I’m starting to think that such a thing just isn’t going to happen for me anytime soon, which sucks. I can’t even nap during the day anymore – I just can’t get my brain to shut down long enough.
The weekend was… miserable. The car guy still doesn’t really have a working phone and so I only got to speak with him briefly when he was able to borrow his roommate’s phone. And we didn’t get together at all. I’m starting to wonder just how much more of this I can tolerate. I’m a tad bit on the high maintenance side – I need to see my man on a fairly regular basis to be happy and that just isn’t happening. I don’t know what to do about it though. I mean, I really like him and like spending time with him, but those times seem to be coming farther and farther apart.
So I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and tomorrow night I’m going on a date with a different guy. This one is a little bit younger than I am – not younger like the kid was though. He’s not as attractive as the car guy is but he’s here in town and he seems to be pretty interested in me, so we’ll just see what happens I guess. Part of me feels guilty for doing this, the other part of me says it’s my life and I deserve to be happy. I don’t know what to do anymore.
And I am so utterly bored at work that it’s not even funny. There’s only so much surfing the web you can do in a day, and there are only so many smoke breaks I can take. I’m really trying to cut back on how much I smoke because I just can’t afford it. Cigarettes are so expensive anymore it’s ridiculous! I’m paying almost $6 a pack for the good kind, $4 for the generics. Today I’m taking my penny jar to the bank to see how much I can scrape up that way. Money is not good for me right now. I’ve got way too much debt and not enough money coming in to cover it all. I’m gonna have to work on that in the coming months so I can get my shit in order before the conference in October so I can have a little spending money.
I’m supposed to hear sometime this week whether or not our proposal to present at the conference has been accepted. I’m getting a little nervous about it – I hate not knowing. Part of me says I should start working on developing the materials just in case. The other part says don’t waste your time you aren’t going to get accepted anyway. I hate always being so fatalistic, but I can’t help it. With the kind of luck I have it just doesn’t make sense to be optimistic about this kind of thing. Of course I did get the scholarship to go to the conference, so maybe, just maybe, this means we’ll get accepted and be able to share our stuff afterall. Who knows…
Today I get to tell my therapist that he can take his DBT crap and shove it. I talked to my mom and got her to agree that I could drop the class as long as I read the manual. I am so excited by this I can’t begin to express it. I hated that class from day one and it just went downhill from there. The DR teaching it is a royal bitch – I can’t stand her! I don’t think my therapist is going to be very pleased about this, but I really don’t care. It’s my life, I’ll fuck it up if I want to, thank you very much.
I didn’t realize it had been quite *this* long since I’d last blathered on here, but damn, it’s been almost a month! A lot’s happend in that time. The car guy and I are still together and making a pretty decent go of it, I’m happy to report. We’ve had some minor issues, but we’ve worked them out. The “crisis du jour” is his phone is dying so he has to borrow his friend’s phone to call me, which means I don’t get to talk to him near enough, but he’s working on it. At least I got to talk to him today – yesterday I missed him because I was teaching when he tried to call.
Anyway, life is pretty decent right now. Got my man, got my health – sort of, got a good friend I’ve been talking to a lot lately… what more can a girl ask for?
As for the dreaded DBT class, I’ve pretty well talked my mom into letting me stop taking it. The DR who’s leading the group just totally rubs me the wrong way. I promised Mom that I would read the stupid manual and do the worksheets on my own and she seems to be pretty satisfied with that. Now to see what kind of reaction I get from my therapist, I’m guessing it won’t be pretty. But I don’t care – it’s my life and I’m tired of wasting it on this stupid crap.
I’ve been having some trouble with my bipolar lately. I just can’t seem to get enough quality sleep anymore. The DR upped my one med, decreased the other, put me on a sedative, took me off the sedative, took me off an anxiety pill… I feel like a damn chemistry experiment! At one point – while the car guy was in the hospital with appendacitis – I got suicidal and the DR wanted to put me in the hospital, but I didn’t let her. I told her I could stay safe on my own and I did, thanks to a lot of help from Mom. I still have twinges of those feelings every now and then, but certainly not bad enough to be hospitalized again. I told Mom that I finally learned my lesson last time I was in. And I did.
The BPD keeps throwing me for a loop. Just when I think I’ve finally conquered it, something happens and I open my big dumb mouth and insert my foot up to my hip. Gotta work on the whole “think before you speak” thing. Shooting from the hip is not always a good thing.
I shall endeavour to write more often now. But probably not tomorrow – I’m going with my mom and my niece to the zoo in the morning before my psych appointment. Enjoy the weekend!
