exit stage left

The kid is gone.  We ended it on Saturday.  Too much drama from both of us was the underlying cause, you could say.  He’s got no fucking clue what he’s doing with his life and I couldn’t handle the stress of never knowing what was going to happen next.  I hope he finds what he needs and gets his shit together before it’s too late and they lock him up for good.

So this morning I signed myself up for an online dating service.  I’ve already made successful contact with one guy who’s supposed to be calling me tonight.  We shall see what happens.  I don’t think I’m going to drop the bipolar/BPD bombshell on him right away – better to let that come later after we see if there’s any kind of connection.  No sense in dropping dynamite into the mix just yet.

I’m reading this really good book about BPD called “Sometimes I Act Crazy” by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus.  It’s an excellent book for anyone suffering from BPD or living with someone who has it.  My mom gave it to me to read yesterday when I was moping around the house lamenting the loss of the kid, and I haven’t really been able to put it down since.

I satisfy 8 of the 9 criteria for having BPD – that kind of scared me.  I guess I had always thought maybe I just had a mild case of it, but no, I’ve got it full blown!  I’m supposed to go to DBT class tonight – which is something the book highly recommends – but my heart just isn’t in it.  I didn’t do my diary card for last week and quite frankly I’m not going to do one.  I think they’re stupid.  Who gives a rat’s ass how suicidal I’ve been feeling?  The important thing is that I stayed safe, right?  Fuck it all anyway.

I talked to the ex the other day and he suggested that I just get some books about DBT, research it myself, and teach myself how to do it.  I’m starting to think that’s a mighty fine idea.  This whole class thing is just a joke.  And besides, after sitting through 45 minutes of therapy I’m expected to sit through another 70 minutes of that dreck.  My poor hip can’t take it!

Maybe I neglected to mention the problem with my hip.  I appear to have done something to piss off the big muscle that runs down the side of my upper thigh so that after sitting for awhile walking becomes torture.  I’ve seen the chiropractor about it twice now and have another appointment scheduled for Wednesday.  I don’t hold out much hope that it’s going to help though – it just seems to be getting worse and worse.  And I’ve even stopped wearing cheap sandals!

Anyway, life stinks right now.  I hope the call with the potential new guy goes well tonight.  I’ll let ya know tomorrow.

 

weekend update

The kid is back in the mental ward.

He called me last night while we were having dinner and asked me to pick him up at the downtown library because if I didn’t  he was going to go to the nearest store and buy a bottle of bleach and drink it.  He’s been off his meds for a couple of days because of all the fuck ups with the program and going back to the shelter and trying to go back to the program and he’s gotten really symptomatic again.  Says he feels like too much of a burden on me and his family and just wants to end it all.  I told him not on my watch!

So I hopped in the car and drove all the way downtown and got him and then drove him all the way back across town to the best psych ward around – the one where we met.  We waited in the ER for like 2 hours before they took him to the Psych ER and then it was another hour at least before we saw anyone.  Finally at 11pm they said they’d admit him and had a bed but it wouldn’t be until after midnight until they’d get him processed.  So I left him there to try to get a little sleep while I was still awake enough to drive home safely.

I told him he did the right thing by calling me when the shit hit the fan.  I’ve promised to always be there for him and take care of him and I mean that.  But I’ve got to take care of me, too.  So when I got home I took all of my nighttime meds, had some yogurt, and crashed hard.  I slept for 9 hours, and probably would have slept more if my mom hadn’t come in and woken me up.  I can only assume that the kid is still sleeping as he hasn’t called yet and promised to do so as soon as he woke up.  But he hasn’t slept more than about 3 hours over the last two days, so I won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from him for awhile yet.

My biggest fear right now is that they’ll send him back to the regional center, which is the very last thing either one of us wants to have happen.  They need to get him placed in like a group home, I think that would be the best situation.

 

bring on the flames

Just got a call from the kid – he’s back in the program.  I told him I’m proud of him even if it means restrictive visits and spotty phone calls for the next month.  It’s a minimum 7 month program but things get less restrictive after the first 30 days.  I just hope he can stick it out this time.

I’ve been thinking about my own demons today since my earlier post.  I think my bipolar is pretty well under control now that my lithium levels are evening out.  The BPD is another story altogether.  I don’t think I’ve been doing the dreaded DBT long enough to really see any changes.  I certainly don’t feel any different yet.  About the only thing I’m feeling right now is worry about the kid.  Part of me is pissed that he couldn’t wait until Monday to go back so that at least we’d have had the weekend together.  The other part of me knows that the longer he stayed out of the program the harder it would be to go back and the more likely he’d be to fall back on old (BAD) habits.  But damn do I miss him.

I don’t think I’m necessarily having an episode right now, but I could certainly use a way to vent some frustration right about now.  Guess that’s why I’m writing, eh?  Anyway, life is not playing out the way I wanted it to right now.  I certainly didn’t expect to be 33 and living at home and having a boyfriend in rehab for the next 7 months.  Life just doesn’t seem fair these days, it’s too hard.  Too many decisions to make, pressure to make the “right” ones, too many things I want to be doing and can’t do, too little money in the bank account.

Bitch and moan, that’s all I seem to do anymore.

 

out of the frying pan, into the fire

The kid sprung himself from the program he was supposed to start on Wednesday, that very night.  Said he just couldn’t take it.  So he went to the one shelter in town that will still take him and called me at 5AM Thursday morning.  Now I hadn’t been sleeping really anyway because I hadn’t heard from him all day Wednesday, but still, 5 is a little early.  Anyway, he wanted to know if I could take the day off work and help him try to find a different shelter and maybe figure out what the hell he’s going to do with his life.  I of course said sure and made the necessary phone calls.

So after my morning doctor’s appointment (they’re checking to see if I’ve finally gotten diabetes), I drove downtown and promptly got lost trying to find him.  I did finally manage it and we started our day together.  Our first REAL time together.  It was great.  I love just being around him, being able to hold his hand, give him kisses, the works.  Anyway, we made some calls and it sounded like he was going to be admitted to a shelter across the river in the next state – just right across the border, much closer than when he was in the other city.  So we spent some time together, had lunch, smoked some cigarettes, and I took him over to the shelter and dropped him off.  (it’s about a 25 minute drive from where I live)  I had just gotten home and laid down for a quick nap and the phone rings – it’s him and the shelter won’t take him afterall, can I please come get him and take him back to the first shelter?  Sure, what the hell, it’s only gas.

Now this morning he called while I was on my way in to work and said he’s thinking about going back to the program he left.  His grandparents are really pissed at him for leaving, and I have to admit that I was pretty disappointed he didn’t even give it a full day.  I know it’ll be restrictive and it’ll be hard, but life is hard and you can’t just run away when the going gets tough.

Though I have to admit, I’d almost rather see him stay free and find a job because it would mean more time we could spend together.  But that’s me being greedy.

Boy do I love him though.  He makes me feel so special, so loved.  Even though we had the opportunity to get a little lovin’ yesterday we both agreed it just didn’t feel right yet.  How sweet is that?

Alright – time for a smoke.

 

over medicated

Follow up from last post – the kid is now claiming that he said he was going to talk to the doctors about going off some of his meds, not that he was going to quit cold turkey.  Now I know what I heard but I’ve decided it’s not worth fighting about so I’ve dropped the issue.  He’s going to do what he wants to do anyway and there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it, so there is no sense in me worrying about it.

I, however, am over medicated right now and the doctor says so.  I had my blood levels checked yesterday and I’m about half again as high as I should be on the one med.  Which accounts for all of the crappy stuff that’s been happening lately like the messed up sleep, the other med working too fast, bathroom issues, being clumsy, etc.  So she’s lowering my dosage to bring things back in line.  Hopefully this only takes a few days, because I am not a terribly patient person.  The sleep thing has gotten so messed up that yesterday I spent the entire day in bed.  I feel marginally better today.

My car had been having some issues – again – and I finally took it in to be looked at yesterday.  I’d been waiting because quite frankly I don’t have the money to get it fixed and most of the problems were nuisance issues.  Until the radio died on Friday night.  Let me tell you, there is nothing like taking an hour long road trip with no radio – except making the trip back home with still no radio.  That was quite possibly the longest drive I’ve ever made.  Fortunately since they’re moving the kid up here today I won’t be making that drive EVER AGAIN.

Anyway, the car turned out to have water in a bunch of the relays in the electrical system.  So the door locks weren’t working, the trunk was opening itself when it rained, the trunk release wasn’t working, and the radio was on the fritz.  $200 later and it’s back to behaving itself like it should.  Oh, and all of the tires were low except one which was overinflated.  (probably because it looked low once and I don’t own a tire guage so I guessed)  It’s almost as good as having a new car.  Which is good, because I have a feeling it’s going to be about another year before I can afford a real new car.

So yeah, the kid is coming “home” today to start a rehab program.  It’s a residential program so he’ll live there, which means visits only on certain days again.  He’s on probation for the first month so I think I’ll only get to see him for a couple of hours on Sundays to start with.  He’s supposed to call me tonight with all the details once he gets them.  I’m really worried about him making it in this program.  He’s pretty strong willed and not necessarily all that keen on authority, plus there’s a religious component to this program and he’s not at all religious.  I’m just really afraid he’s going to hate it and drop out and end up back in a shelter.  I just have to keep telling myself that there’s nothing I can do to control him or change his actions.  All I can do is love him and give him support and encouragement.  So much easier said than done…

 

the med issue

So I drove down and visited the kid last night, on a work night, knowing it would fuck with my sleep and cause me problems today.  What I didn’t know was that I’d be awake all night worrying about him.  Ya see, he told me last night that when they release him to rehab he’s going to stop taking his psych meds.  My jaw just about hit the floor.  Evidently he doesn’t like the way they slow him down so he’s just going to stop taking them and go back to his old habits – drinking, drugging, partying.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I had thought this whole time he’d been learning from the mistakes he made in the past and how to get on with his life in a healthier way.  Oh no, he’s been playing the system and just biding his time until he’s free so he can do whatever the fuck he wants to again.  And he told me that he’s applied for SSI – at 22!  I should point out that I have pretty strong feelings about people on SSI at such a young age.  I think if you’re capable of working and providing for yourself then that’s exactly what you should be doing, not lounging around at home all day living off the government.

I am so incredibly disappointed in him, and it breaks my heart.  I’ve been crying off and on all day.  I’m supposed to go visit him tomorrow again but I’m not sure I can even  look him in the eye anymore.

 

pissing me off

Turns out that the “mooch” is also a flake – she blew me off for both the Friday night meeting and the benefit walk.  I am officially done with her shit.  Time for her to step up and take some responsibility for her own recovery.

I’m also not too pleased with the situation with the kid.  He didn’t do anything, it’s the program he’s getting ready to start.  From the way things sound we won’t be able to see each other for THIRTY fucking days once he starts!  Not sure if he’ll be allowed phone calls during that time, but something tells me no.  He’s supposed to be calling them today to get more details.  I hope like hell that we’re wrong about this.  Last we heard they’re supposed to move him this Friday – if that’s the case I’ll be going up to see him Thursday night, work Friday will just be rough.

Tonight is the next dreaded DBT class.  I got my diary cards caught up this morning so I guess I’m about as prepared as I can get.  I just wish I could get a little more enthused about this, but I can’t seem to make myself.

And I am dead tired today.  I went to bed last night at like 7 because I was wiped from the weekend and getting my sleep schedule all fucked up.  Maybe I slept too much.  Dunno, but I am dragging ass today.

 

the mooch

No, my mood has not improved.  No, I don’t know why.  No, I don’t really care.

I’ve got this “friend” I met at my weekly support group.  Nice enough kid, has bipolar, cuts, lots of other issues – pretty typical for our group, such as it is.  Anyway, she started taking this peer to peer class with me.  The first night we talked about how it’s important to be there every week to get the maximum benefit from it and she pipes up that this’ll be a problem for her because her ride’s not always reliable.  So, being the sucker I am, I volunteer to give her a ride.  What a colossal fucking mistake that’s turning out to be.

She lives on the opposite side of town from where I live, which is in the exact opposite direction of where the classes are.  (think 3 points of a rather large triangle)  Which means major pain in the ass for me to get off work at 4 (midtown), drive to her house (south side), drive home to change and eat (west side), and make it to class at 6 (downtown).  So yesterday I had my mom pick her up instead because my mom babysits my niece during the day in the same part of town.  Evidently she invited herself to go to my sister’s house and keep my mom company so she wouldn’t be lonely.  Yeah, what the fuck ever – as if my mom would allow anyone into my sister’s house during the day except family.  Then apparently she invited herself to our house to cook dinner.  Again, what the fuck ever – as if my mom would let anyone cook in her kitchen except me.

So now I’ve got this little psycho “best friend” wanting to do everything with me.  She already suckered me into giving her a ride to the meeting this Friday and to a benefit walk we’re doing Saturday morning.  I mean, I feel bad for her and everything – she’s broke and can’t work – but this shit is getting old.  I feel like a goddamn taxi service.

And she’s disruptive during the class, which I think pisses me off more than anything.  Last night she drank out of MY drink because she didn’t bring anything with her, she got up to go to the bathroom like 6 times, and she kept interrupting the teachers.  Bitch can’t sit still to save her life.  Drove me up the fucking walls.

What makes it all the more interesting is that this little punk thinks she’s going to become a support group facilitator.  YEAH RIGHT!  I doubt she’ll be able to make it through the training.  And I’m sure as hell not going to haul her ass there!  (I’ve been trained once already but am going to go through it again as a refresher.)  Besides which, even if she did make it through training and get a group she’d have to have someone give her a ride all the damn time.  Not gonna be me, that’s for damn sure.

Do I have some kind of neon sign over my head that says “SUCKER”?  My one “friend” finally stopped calling because I quit catering to her whims.  I got sick of constantly hearing about how horrible her life was and how she wasn’t interested in really doing anything to make it better.  I think she’s back in the hospital right now.

Seriously though, what is it about me attracting losers lately?

And I am in one righteously foul mood.  I haven’t been doing my DBT diary cards because I hate the class – something I really should rectify tonight.  I’ve got to get over all of this negativity.  Particularly since I teach a class in about an hour and I just can’t be a bitch for that or I’ll get my happy little ass fired.  Maybe getting my hair cut tonight will help – I always feel better after a hair cut.  And tomorrow night I get to see the kid, so that’ll definitely help.

I’ve been missing him something awful lately.  I’m practically jonesing for a hug from him.  Pathetic, aren’t I?  Can’t help it, I love the boy.

 

fuck the world

That is seriously how I feel right now.  Everyone can just go straight to hell and stay there.  Leave me alone and let me live my life.

Background…

Yesterday morning I had my therapy session.  These are turning more and more into the therapist lecturing me on this DBT bullshit and less and less about what’s going on with  me.  Fine, whatever.  Then I had a break between therapy and a “real” doctor’s appointment so I tried calling the ex-boyfriend to tell him to quit fucking bothering me.  Only I couldn’t do it.  Something about it felt too weird, too final – it’s like I enjoy stringing him along.  So there was that mess to deal with.  Had the DR appointment, everything there was fine.  Since I was on the south side of town I called up a friend and went and hung out with her for an hour or so.  That was cool, I haven’t had a friend I could just do that with in a long time.  Anyway, then I went to a massage session – the absolute highlight of the day.  I felt GREAT, I was all excited about the DBT thing, I went home and grabbed a late lunch and then back to the therapist’s office for class.

And then it hit me – this shit is not for me.  It was like they were lecturing to kindergarteners.  And this shit is supposed to last for at least a year!  I wanted to get up and leave about halfway through but I made myself stay.  But it triggered an episode that has lasted far longer than it should have.  But I am PISSED that these fucking people are treating me like some dumbass kid – I am not wired this way.

So of course I went home and blew up at my mom, which is always fun.  I proceeded to get the lecture from her about how I’ve got to take this fucking class to keep my job and how there’s nothing else that’ll help me and how she can’t wait until I turn 40 because by then I should have grown out of it.  What the fuck ever.  I don’t even give a shit anymore.  Kick me out, fire me, fuck me over – see if I give a fuck.

I’m tired of everyone and their dog telling me how I’m supposed to be living my life.  I’ve managed to get this far, I’ve gotta be doing something right.

Oh, and I AM going to see the kid this week during the week.  I can’t go tonight because of another class I’m taking (which does NOT SUCK), but I’m going to go on Thursday and again on Saturday.  I already took Friday off work so I can sleep in and recover.  Hopefully he’ll hear something today about where he’s going next and when that’ll happen.  This not knowing shit is getting real old real fast.

I’m gonna go see if I can find someone to yell at now I think.

 

utterly alone

I finally told my mom last night just how shitty I’ve been feeling these past few days.  It surprised her – so I guess that means I’ve been hiding it better than I had thought.

I talked to the kid last night before dinner and we both lamented the fact that I wasn’t coming to visit.  This whole being a grown up, responsibility bullshit is for the birds.  It took everything I had to tell him no I couldn’t come.  And then after I got off the phone I cried.  Cried because what I really needed was a hug from him and it’s still another whole day before I’ll get one.  Cried because of how little and lonely I felt, and still feel.  Cried because I realized I really do love him and don’t want to lose him.

I feel very much broken today.  I’ve been functioning alright, handled the meeting this morning just fine, played nice with my DR during our visit, but I don’t know that I’ve been totally straight with anyone.  I’m putting on my “game face” and pretending that everything is fine when really I’m a big wreck inside.  It’s like I’m trapped inside my own head with no one to talk to, except there’s always music playing, no matter what I do there’s always the music.  Never the same music, usually just whatever I’ve been listening to lately, but it’s always there.  Quite frankly it’s getting a little annoying.

But I digress…  Broken.  I’m back to feeling like there are pieces missing, not necessarily big pieces, but important ones.  Maybe this’ll all get better when I start the classes on Monday.  Maybe I’ll go ballistic and have an episode before then.  Who the fuck knows?  And quite frankly, right now at least, who the fuck cares?